


respiration

by lesbian_naruto (GhoulyGirly)



Category: Naruto
Genre: Coming Out, F/F, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Transphobia, Lesbian Character, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Trans Female Character, brief mention of rape threats, kakagai is mentioned, lesbian tenten, trans lesbian neji
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-16
Updated: 2018-06-30
Packaged: 2019-05-24 01:29:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14945055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GhoulyGirly/pseuds/lesbian_naruto
Summary: Neji, in all the turmoil about her gender, rarely took time to even think about her sexuality. For one, Neji rarely had romantic or sexual feelings for anyone. Secondly, Neji already knew she liked girls. She did not have to ponder that. And, she knew lesbians existed, though of course she did not consciously make that connection until she had her gender revelation. Even after that revelation, she knew she wouldn’t (couldn’t, shouldn’t) have time for it. That, too, was pointless.





	1. diffusion 1.0

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> gender revelation

Neji had been jealous of Hinata growing up. Not because she was a member of the head branch. Neji never wanted to be a member of the head branch. They were all stuck up, sadistic elitists who had willingly led Hizashi to his demise. The privileges that came with that position didn't matter to Neji.

No, Neji was jealous of Hinata because she could wear a dress without being yelled at. She could walk down the streets with painted nails without getting strange looks. Now, Neji didn't particularly want to paint her nails (she found it fairly pointless, but did find it pretty to look at on other women), but having that even be an option deemed acceptable would make her heart lift. Neji wasn't jealous of Hinata because of her status, she was jealous because she could live in this world being recognized as a girl.

When Neji was little, she didn't really understand what her feelings meant, but she understood she couldn't talk about it to anyone. She suppressed these feelings, looking at them as unimportant and inferior. This wasn't what she needed to spend time on. What she needed to spend time on was training.

When she started puberty at 13, around a year after becoming a genin, was when she started to feel uncomfortable with her own body. She tried to suppress these feelings as well--she simply didn't have time for something so meaningless. But seeing the gap between what her body was and what she wanted it to look like was, at the _very least_ , disappointing. This was also when she began to really realize her feelings about her body for what they were. On one of Team Gai's missions to the Land of the Waves they had to help escort a client and her younger sister across the border. Why they needed to help escort them was not put in the job description, but it became clear to them once they met the client's younger sister.

Her name was Jin.  She was slightly older than Neji, with simple waist-length chestnut hair she pulled back into a high ponytail. She had big red earrings, made of fake ruby. She had broad shoulders, a sharp jaw structure, but soft features. Jin didn't speak a lot, but she was very cautious around them, always sending tentative glances towards them (especially Gai.) Her older sister--named Riku--was protective of her. She tried to be subtle, but it was obvious. They were expecting a very specific response, a response they had experienced before.

Gai understood immediately, whereas Rock Lee and Tenten were surprised for a little bit. They didn't exactly understand either, though they knew it was invasive to ask. Neji knew this too, but couldn't help but stare. She had never heard of anyone like this, much less met anyone like this. She didn't even know this was an option.

One time when Gai, Lee, and Tenten were helping Riku set up dinner (Riku insisted she could do it fine herself, but Neji's compassionate albeit intrusive teammates refused to let her do it alone), Neji sat on a log while Jin waded in the river.

Neji was staring at her again. Though she prided herself on being an effective and discreet ninja, she would admit that she was not trying very hard at the time. She finally realized what she wanted, she could finally describe these emotions she had been hiding away for years. Knowing that she could be like this, embrace herself as who she was, was liberating. However, followed by these thoughts, was the inevitable truth that her clan would never actually let her be herself. They would undoubtedly restrict her, as they did with every other aspect of her being.

"I've been noticing you staring at me. Just say whatever you're thinking to my face." Jin said abruptly, her fingers digging into her palms. Her nails continued to hold her skirt up as she pushed her feet through the clear water beneath her, however. Neji did not think about it then, but years later she would reflect back on it and realize how brave Jin’s actions were that day.

“I have nothing to say.” Neji responded. That wasn’t quite true, though, now was it?

The look Jin gave Neji wasn’t quizzical, but doubtful.

“I’ve had to deal with comments about who I am all my life, and I’ll continue to deal with them until the day I die. Not just comments, either. I dealt with my father’s abuse for years and the reason I die will probably be because of who I am. I’m not afraid of what you are thinking, so just spit it out.” Though the last sentence seemed as though it should be full of venom, it wasn’t. She sounded more dejected if anything (having to deal with this sort of thing a lot, no doubt.) She also sounded prideful, though, for the same reason, which was an emotion Neji had never associated with her own experience in this realm.

“I’ve just never met anyone like… you.” Neji responded, cool and collective, but choosing her last words carefully. The space between those last two words might have been worse than saying the wrong thing, Neji thought years later, after she had begun to relate to Jin’s words.

 “Not surprising. We’re everywhere you know, even if you can’t see us, even if you don’t know it.” Jin turned around to face her this time. Neji understood what she meant by this, because if her feelings weren’t evidence enough, there were plenty of them around even if they didn’t present themselves as such.

Neji wanted to ask her so many questions, but she wasn’t about to spill her feelings to a stranger, even if that was the only chance she might ever get. All she did was nod.

“It doesn’t bother me in any way, ma’am. I just didn’t know it existed.” Neji wasn’t quite sure what she even meant by ‘it’, what sort of abstract idea she wanted to convey.  

Jin rolled her eyes and gave Neji a hint of a smile. The rest of the mission was peaceful and without confrontation. When they said goodbye, there was no glimmer in Jin’s eyes that told Neji anything more than she already knew. It was simply goodbye. Neji wished her the best, which was the first time she had said that and actually meant it.


	2. diffusion 1.1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tenten's a lesbian beep beep

Tenten knew who she was from a young age. She knew the name for it too—she was gay.

Being an orphan who didn’t even have a hint as to who her parents were (not that she cared after she found Gai) didn’t have a lot of perks. The one perk it had was that there were no parents to judge you for being gay. The flipside on this, though, was that there were also no parents to accept you for being gay and to help you through the challenges you faced because of it. There was no guarantee which she would end up with, but the overwhelming statistics suggested the former. Tenten grew up without parents. The only thing they ever gave her was her life. She certainly didn’t need emotional support from someone who was never there.

Tenten grew up oppositely from Neji. She grew up in the slums, where even if someone had a strong opinion about you it didn’t truly matter. Well, unless they wanted to start a confrontation. In that case, it did.

She met an older lesbian named Izumi in her first year at the academy. The woman lived in her apartment building with her girlfriend. Tenten had seem them being affectionate and knew that that was the relationship she wanted—a relationship with another woman. She had approached Izumi and innocently asked her about it, and Izumi pleasantly explained it to her. She and Tenten talked about other, unrelated things for a while. Izumi was surprised to learn about Tenten’s housing situation—an orphan scrounging for food. The only reason she could afford her apartment was because she was helping the management and staff with chores.

Since their first meeting, Izumi would regularly give Tenten food. Tenten would only truly recognize her generosity years later, when she realized how poor Izumi really was. Despite giving her advice and food (which was the most anyone had ever given Tenten in her life), Izumi was by no means a parental figure to Tenten. In fact, Tenten had a small crush on Izumi. Tenten had always been mature and reasonable even at a young age. She was never one to be naïve or impracticable, perhaps because of her necessary street smarts. She knew Izumi was a full-grown woman with a girlfriend a life separate from hers. Tenten knew the crush was just that—a crush.

 Tenten had a small, innocent playground relationship with another girl at the academy. It did not last long. After Tenten had jokingly pushed the girl into a sandbox and ruined her favorite dress, she got dumped. It was an infantile romance between children, so of course barely anyone looked twice at it. (It wasn’t as if they thought they actually _liked_ each other.) However, the girl’s family was uncomfortable with the prospect, but not enough to actually interrupt their short-lived love affair. If it was because of Tenten’s origins or if it was because they were both girls, Tenten did not know. Probably a bit of both.

Tenten, being so young and insignificant at this point in time, had not experienced any homophobia directed at her specifically (though she experienced cat calls and attempted groping). However, she saw plenty of it. Usually the homophobia she witnessed was directed at Izumi and/or her girlfriend. Slurs written on their apartment door, rape threats yelled at them in the halls, even the occasional physical confrontation. This response was an example of when someone’s strong opinion about you DID matter. Luckily for Izumi, she never got anything worse than a few bruises.

Izumi and her girlfriend eventually moved away. They wished Tenten the best of luck. They said she’d need it.

Her first year of being genin (the year they went on the mission with Jin, and also the year she got to stop doing chores for the apartment staff) was the year she got a REAL girlfriend. She was a girl named Hotaru, who had moved into Tenten’s apartment building. She was a blonde with a buzz cut, long legs and untrimmed arm pit hair which was one of the many things Tenten admired her for. Hotaru was brass to strangers but warm to her lovers.

Hotaru wasn’t a shinobi, but she loved watching Tenten train. Tenten wasn’t out to her teammates so on days where she trained alone she would invite Hotaru to come watch. She didn’t really want to think about _why_ she wasn’t out to them, and just decided to keep not-being-out to them. Tenten and Hotaru would go out for food every so often. At first they were cautious about PDA, but some time on their umpteenth date Tenten refused to be afraid. They didn’t overdue it of course, but they would be as affectionate as your average straight couple. They got strange looks sometimes, and once a man yelled at them, but nothing worse than that.

They spent a lot of their time making out in each other’s apartments. Nothing went past groping a fully clothed boob, but it still made Tenten the most excited she’d ever been. Things were going better than Tenten could’ve hoped. But, as it is with most teen love affairs, they don’t usually last.

On their 6th month of dating—shortly after the Jin mission—a problem occurred. That problem was Hotaru’s wanderlust. Hotaru wanted to travel the world. She wanted to go to every village in every country, meet all sorts of different people. She asked Tenten to come with her. Tenten, of course, refused her proposal. Hotaru knew Tenten would not come with her, and Tenten knew Hotaru wouldn’t stay. She remembers the sad smile Hotaru gave her. It was full of tragic understanding and sweet memories that would make her heart ache for months to come.

She didn’t have another girlfriend for a long time. She occasionally snuck into _the only_ gay club in Konoha (Izumi had told her about it. It was not well known) and did a little dirty dancing, sometimes got older women to buy her drinks, but nothing past that. After that, she focused solely on being a shinobi.


	3. diffusion 1.2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> nejis got more thoughts!

After the chuunin exams, Neji had an awakening (one unrelated to her gender.) After Naruto beat her and she discovered the truth behind her father’s death, she analyzed her decisions and personality. She tried to be nicer to her teammates—who she began to consider friends—and her cousins. She evaluated _why_ she looked down on poor people, _why_ she looked down on people ‘weaker’ than her. She even contemplated why she deemed those people weak. She also viewed herself as an individual who was separate from the Hyuuga clan—a new but strangely comforting thought. She started to respect Lee, Tenten and Gai. It wasn’t a perfect view on life yet, but she was improving.

Her friends began to notice the changes too. Gai was proud of Neji, Tenten was a little weirded out at Neji’s new social involvement, and Lee was happy that Neji considered him an equal (and therefore, a rival, in Lee’s mind.) Their team bonding exercises went smoother and Neji—for the first time, possibly in her life—laughed. It stunned everyone around her. “Enjoy it while it lasts.” Neji had told them, jokingly. “Neji, you have a sense of humor? Who would’ve guessed!” They had responded.

Neji, in all the turmoil about her gender, rarely took time to even think about her sexuality. For one, Neji rarely had romantic or sexual feelings for anyone. Secondly, Neji already knew she liked girls. She did not have to ponder that. And, she knew lesbians existed, though of course she did not consciously make _that_ connection until she had her gender revelation. Even after that revelation, she knew she wouldn’t (couldn’t, shouldn’t) have time for it. That, too, was pointless.

She started to recognize things that she had not seen before. Neji didn’t know whether it was because she didn’t acknowledge these things beforehand, or if it was just a coincidence. Nonetheless, she began hearing offhand comments about gay people and “transsexuals”. Alternatively, there were positive interactions—Neji saw a gay couple kiss in the street, for example. She noticed rainbow flags _(a symbol of gay pride,_ one book read) in subtle places. Neji looked for books in the Hyuuga library to further research these terms and their history. She realized this was wishful thinking however, as the Hyuugas would never allow “gay propaganda” in their library. Neji had to resort to carefully sneaking around public libraries, making sure no one saw what she was reading. A very minimal amount of the selection was positive, however. Neji couldn’t help but think this whole…situation wasn’t so normal after all. But the feeling she got in her gut when she thought about kissing a woman who looked at Neji and saw a woman felt too good to be wrong. The way Jin spoke that day, the struggle and the pride in her voice, was too strong to be fake. The reactions she got were troublesome, as Shikamaru would say. They made her feel things she didn’t really want to be thinking about right now (or maybe ever.) But, she was feeling them.

As a sort of test, she allowed herself to feel whatever came her way. She wanted to experience her emotions and digest them for what they were. That turned out to be more difficult than pretending she didn’t have any. She observed how dysphoric she got, a word she picked up from one of the more liberal books. She also found out the name for what she was—transgender (more specifically, a transgender woman.) Putting an actual name to it made it so much more real, but also much more alarming.

That raised lots of other intense questions.

Coming out? God no. Who would she even come out to? Was it really that important? What if they were disgusted with her? What if it got back to a Hyuuga? What about her reputation? Would she even be able to continue as a shinobi?

Transitioning? Oh god, she wasn’t even close to thinking about that. No. No way. Unfathomable.

A relationship? Well… Neji didn’t exactly crave a relationship. She could see it in the future, if she really liked a girl maybe, but it wasn’t something she was particularly worried about right now.

She was going to keep this whole thing under wraps and she wasn’t sure when she’d open it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter is when stuff actually gets goin lads


	4. synthesis 1.0

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> COMING OUT BABEY!

It was during training—or rather a _break_ in training—when Tenten finally came out to her team. It wasn’t eventful nor was it intended to be. She figured it would go well (which it did). She also thought Lee and Gai might go overboard with trying to show how accepting they were. They didn’t really mention anything to do with her sexuality, probably because of how subtly she came out. Or maybe the air of the conversation. Tenten didn’t really know or care.

Lee had been asking Gai how to win a woman’s (read: Sakura’s) heart.

“Oh Lee! How wonderful it is that you wish to pursue your youthfulness!” Gai shouted. He and Lee began jumping up and down.

“Stop jumping.” Tenten whined. She was polishing her kunai while Neji slumped against a tree. While she wouldn’t admit it, she was secretly fond of their antics. However, her patience had started to run thin and she wanted to finish this up as soon as possible.

They stopped jumping, but Tenten’s comment had not deterred their elatedness. Gai grabbed Lee’s shoulders.

“However, my young pupil, I do not know how to help you win Sakura’s heart!” Gai’s eyes filled with tears.

“What!? Gai, why not?” Lee cried.

“I do not know how to woo a woman.” Gai sighed, “I have only been with men!”

That comment surprised Tenten and Neji, though the latter hid her emotions better.

“Perhaps you can consult with Neji.” Gai recommended. Lee’s attention snapped to Neji.

“Neji! Do you know how I can win over Sakura’s heart?” Lee was hopeful, but he was about to be disappointed.

“I have no experience in that field.” Neji had answered, reserved as always.

Tenten felt bad for Lee. She did _want_ to help him, but she didn’t think she would need to help him until Gai and Neji admitted they couldn’t. Usually Gai was able to give Lee all of his advice, and frankly most days Tenten didn’t want to get involved in that stuff. Perhaps it was the extra charge from Gai’s own coming out, but Tenten suddenly felt the need to tell them. With both of these desires in mind, she decided to take an indirect approach that combined the two.

“I can help you, Lee.” Tenten said, soft but kind.

“Really!?” Lee swiveled his head to her, his eyes lighting up once again. Tenten could see Neji tense up out of the corner of her eye. She knew Neji came from a very conservative family. Did Neji have a problem with her?

Tenten decided to ignore it. “Yes. Come over here.” Lee sat down in front of her.

Gai smiled at them, more tears streaming down his face. “Beautiful! My students are helping each other! Youth!”

“Look, Lee. If you want to romance a woman, you have to get to know her first as a friend. Once you two know each other well, you’ll know if you’re good with each other. As it stands now, you don’t even know Sakura that well and she certainly doesn’t know you. Even if you like her, a relationship is a completely different matter. You need mutual respect and attraction. Not only will you _need_ to know each other for that to work, you should want to get to know her better. So, hang out with her for a few months, but do so without the pressure of a relationship in the air. You have to be genuine with her and open yourself up. If you open up, she’ll open up. If you still like her and you think she likes you, then ask her out on a date. If she doesn’t like you at that point you have to move on.” When Tenten fished, Lee looked at her in awe and Gai in pride. Neji was trying very hard to seem like she wasn’t paying attention.

“Wow, Tenten! You know so much! You are truly a master of relationships!” Lee practically screamed in her ear. “How do you know so much?!”

“Well,” Tenten started, clicking her tongue. “I’ve dated a few girls.” Really, she’d only been in one relationship and a few flings but they didn’t need to know that.

“Amazing!” Lee praised her. Now it was getting annoying. She shooed him away.

 

* * *

 

After training, Neji approached her. This was a strange occurrence for many reasons. One, Neji—though she was now kinder and even more playful—didn’t seek out contact. Two, there weren’t many reasons as to _why_ Neji would approach her. And, lastly, Neji seemed almost nervous. Which was not good at all. It was Neji. She didn’t get nervous.

“What’s wrong?” Tenten asked as Neji walked closer. Tenten winced at that. Perhaps it seemed too concerning to ask what was _wrong_. She should have said what was up. She brushed the thoughts away as overthinking. (She was a shinobi though, she couldn’t help but overthink.)

“I… was just, um.” It was then that Tenten finally saw a similarity between Neji and Hinata besides their eyes, pale skin and abilities (though, there was a great distance in the extent of those abilities.) Stuttering. That was something she did not expect from Neji.

Upon seeing Tenten’s face, Neji took a deep breath and prepared to leave. “Nevermind. This was a bad idea.”

“No, it’s fine. What did you want to say?” Tenten asked, grabbing Neji’s arm. Neji hadn’t expected the physicality and flinched a little. Tenten thought Neji might get annoyed like she used to, but she didn’t even attempt to remove Tenten’s hand from her arm.

Neji had no idea what she wanted to say, how to even form the words in her head. She didn’t even know why she needed to tell someone. Maybe if Neji was _just_ gay this would be easy. But she had no idea how Tenten would react to the bigger news. She didn’t even know why she approached Tenten about this. Lee or Gai could potentially react to this news better, she knew just as much about their view on this stuff as Tenten. Tenten was more level-headed and serious though, Neji realized, and she would give a common enough reaction.

What if Tenten reacted badly, and this got back to her father? Well, if worse comes to worse Neji could fight Tenten, she supposed, though she definitely didn’t want to do that.

“I’m… gay…” Neji chose the words carefully as they left her lips. That was still about three degrees removed from the real issue here.

Tenten blinked and then smiled welcomingly. Was that why Neji acted weird earlier? It must be, she figured.

“Well, me too.” Tenten reiterated.

Neji took another breath, “I’m a…woman.” Well, there it was. If Tenten didn’t get it after that, she was going to leave and pretend this never happened.

Realization dawned on Tenten’s face. A short moment of shock, and then strangely, warmth. The look gave Neji knots in her stomach. Tenten placed her hands over Neji’s.

Tenten had never been in this situation before. The closest she had come was with Jin, but with that she didn’t need to do or say anything, and after the whole thing was over she would never see Jin again. She had met trans people at the bar before and knew a lot more than she had when she met Jin.

“Thanks for telling me.” Tenten decided on. “Do you want me to do anything differently?”

Neji just stared at her. “I hadn’t…thought that far ahead.” She admitted. Neji didn’t think it would go even remotely this well, she just took a risk out of a desire for acceptance. That was what Neji just realized she wanted. Acceptance.

Tenten laughed and all of Neji’s worries went away. Just for a moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeeeeeeeeeeehaw comment if u love me


End file.
